The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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