just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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