Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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