Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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