And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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