Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
