I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
