I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
