Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
