well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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