I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
