Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I just found a bag of teeth...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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