I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
