You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
