i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
