it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Randomize
