Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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