We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
