dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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