On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
