It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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