I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Randomize
