Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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