peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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