Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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