Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
