i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
