i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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