Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
