im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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