I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize