she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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