she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
