i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
