what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
