Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
