I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize