I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
