The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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