I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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