I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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