Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
