Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
