happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
