he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
how does that bad decision feel?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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