I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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