i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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