hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
