Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I can't put those talents on a resume
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
