: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
