I think I am morally bankrupt
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
