Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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