I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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