Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
