my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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